A Sense Of Self

I’m often asked where my confidence comes from, and the older I get the more I realize it comes from an unwavering sense of self. Of all the senses - vision, hearing, taste, and so on - our sense of self is perhaps the most crucial to nurture. It's in the exploration of our own story that we uncover the quiet wisdom within, waiting to whisper to those primed to listen.

You see, the world was created through story. Whether you believe the tales in holy books or the narratives of science, it's all still a story. The stories we tell ourselves, the ones told to us, the ones we absorb through screens and pages - storytelling has been humanity's companion since time immemorial, teaching us, connecting us, healing us, entertaining us. Through stories, we shape our sense of self and belonging in this ever-changing world, confront our greatest challenges, and discover our deepest strengths.

But here's a thought: how much time do we spend immersed in others' stories, and how often do we delve into our own? In a world constantly pulling us in every direction, grounding ourselves in our personal narrative can be the foundation for our strongest sense of self and, surprisingly, our deepest wellspring of confidence.

Let me take you on a journey, down the long hallway of my own memory...

Pitter patter, skip, slide, jump…down the long hallway lined with burgundy, black and orange geometric carpet. Small hands flinging with unbound joy and uninhibited curiosity, while moving to the tune of my inner rhythm as my head turns this way and that to discover a new stain on the wall or out of place object ready to whisper an exciting story.

Sniff, sniff, listen pause…Nag Champa coming from the downstairs apartment where the beautiful high class call girl lives. Across the way my first introduction to Blues where vinyl spins from the stereo of the Black Panther Lesbian couple's apartment. Hands stretch and fingers dance tracing the paint on textured walls, pass the Peace Corps volunteer's apartment with the adorable tortoiseshell cat, rest in front of the punk rocker's apartment where giant pet lizards roam free and fluorescent spiky mohawks graze the top of the door frame as they come and go. Wave hello and exchange sunny smiles with the Freddy Mercury look alike in tight white shorts and a rainbow tank top. So many characters, so many colors, styles, shapes and sizes, fun stories.

Knock, knock, knock on Grandma's door, aka a most convenient downstairs neighbor and purveyor of all things sugar- especially endless supplies of KitKat and 7up. Plastic covers a gigantic cream satin couch that looks like it belongs in the palace of Versailles, while a carp swims back and forth in the bathtub doing last laps before being served as Gefilte Fish for Shabbat dinner. While she is busy in the kitchen mixing plants into healing potions, I take a sneak peek into her boudoir; a most intoxicating place where blond Zsa Zsa Gabor style wigs rest on faceless Styrofoam wig heads and pearls, silks, furs and bottles of perfume mingle with cloves of garlic hanging from the rafters to ward off vampires and evil spirits. An apartment filled with stories of mystery, romance, espionage, and near-death escapes from war-torn Hungary.

A few more steps and I am back in my story. In this warmly lit apartment, smells of chicken soup, fresh rye bread and baked pastries greet me. I am held by the familiarity and love of six people sharing a small, but cozy one-bedroom space. A Bohemian Orthodox Jewish Family, immigrants and survivors of the Holocaust. With the little they had, and the hard work they did, there was always room at our table for guests. If my mother learned someone in the building was sick, she would rush over with a plate of cookies or soup. If my father was approached by someone who was rejected by other landlords on the block due to the color of their skin, lifestyle or appearance, there was always space in our building. A love story.

This kaleidoscope of characters and experiences shaped my childhood, instilling in me a deep appreciation for the richness of human experience and the power of resilience. Yet, alongside these vibrant memories lived a shadow - the unspoken weight of intergenerational trauma, the knowledge that our family tree had been violently pruned.

For years, I focused solely on the light, celebrating the joyful and unique aspects of my upbringing. But true confidence, I've come to realize, emerged when I found the courage to explore the shadows, to acknowledge how my family's history had shaped my own beliefs and behaviors.

It was in confronting those darker threads that I discovered a deeper understanding of myself and a newfound capacity for empathy and compassion. I learned that confidence isn't about erasing our shadows or pretending they don't exist. It's about embracing the full spectrum of our experiences, acknowledging both the light and the dark as integral parts of who we are.

This journey taught me the power of "And, Also..." We are not just one thing or another. We are complex tapestries, woven from threads both brilliant and dark. I am the child of Holocaust survivors, and also the neighbor of a call girl. I am shaped by ancient traditions, and also by the counterculture of 1970s LA. I carry the weight of generational trauma, and also the resilience and love that allowed my family to thrive.

So, I invite you to explore the full landscape of your own story, for it will remain with you and guide you throughout time.

Pitter patter, skip, slide, jump…down the long hallway, a place I still frequently visit, lined with the same burgundy, black and orange geometric carpet. Adult hands reaching back to feel for those moments of joy and curiosity, feet still moving to the tune of my inner rhythm as my head turns this way and that to discover a new stain on the wall or out of place object ready to whisper an exciting story…retracing the steps of my origin.

Remember, every story has its complexities, its moments of both joy and hardship. It's in acknowledging and integrating both sides of our narratives that we unlock the power of our full selves.

Just like the world has an origin story, so too do we. Each one of us is like a world unto ourselves, with a full ecosystem of gifts and challenges. Our origin story is the foundation of our sense of self. It is where we can find the traumas worth healing and the treasures worth sharing.

In embracing your whole story - the shadows and the light - you'll discover an unshakeable confidence. Not the brash, surface-level confidence that comes from ignoring our complexities, but a deep, rooted confidence born from true self-knowledge and acceptance. This is the confidence that empowers you to live authentically, to pursue your dreams, and to connect with others on a profound level.

Take a moment. Light a candle, settle in with a warm drink, and allow yourself to journey back. Close your eyes if needed, try to recall sounds, smells, design details, etc. Explore your story with compassion and curiosity. For it's in honoring our whole selves - every messy, beautiful, complex part - that we find the strength to step boldly into the world, confident in who we are and all that we have to offer.